i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
