I wish I only lived at night.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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