stop calling my apartment porn island.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
