very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
