There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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