He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
