PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
