Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
