I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He felt like a one man threesome
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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