I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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