I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
