you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
