He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
