If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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