Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
