There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
