if you like me you must not know who I am
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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