I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
