there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
