I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
