I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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