my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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