My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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