they need to just BURY HIM!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
