guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
