My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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