If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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