My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
