I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
