he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
