Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
