dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
