Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
