From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
