I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Im part way to drunk.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
