At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
