My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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