So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I skipped work to stalk him.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
did i just pee glitter
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
