so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
