apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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