2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
