Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
