when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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