shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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