I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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