got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
