Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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