They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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