So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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