somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
false alarm. still invincible.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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