So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
